Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
