I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
