well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I am midnight drunk by noon
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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