turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
