i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
