I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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