Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
