I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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