forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
