good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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