I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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