I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
