he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
he's single and there are thong briefs.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
