Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
