i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
