I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
God, I missed his penis.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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