And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
