cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
ugly people sure do ruin things
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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