i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.