I wanna passion pit in your ass
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
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How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
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I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.