Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.