I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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