By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
Pick me up at 9.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives