yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Send help, water and tortillas.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.