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• (503): View more from Oregon

  Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

  (360): View more from Washington

  I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

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• (559): View more from California

  the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.

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• (239): View more from Florida

  So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.

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• (650): View more from California

  We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign

  (562): View more from California

  You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo

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  25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF

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• (931): View more from Tennessee

  Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  Do you know how to give stiches?

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  I do not...this text concerns me

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• (760): View more from California

  The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.

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• (205): View more from Alabama

  Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat

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  27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke

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• (312): View more from Illinois

  At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.

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• (740): View more from Ohio

  Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.

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• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.

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