You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
3pm strippers are depressing
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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