with your own penis?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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