I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
