there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
