I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
