have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
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