sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
