I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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