Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
