peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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