I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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