giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
