I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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