You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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