why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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