I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
