dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
