I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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