I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
