Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
