Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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