Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
