He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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