We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
