Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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