You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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