Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
