i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
