just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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