your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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