What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
