I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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