haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
