Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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