after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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