Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize