textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Randomize
