I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
