im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
