I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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