a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.