3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You just made me feel so damn special
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.