At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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