We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
