Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
